


Not Myself

by 4CrazyFriends, Pawpricez (4CrazyFriends)



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood Loss, Blood and Gore, Cutting, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional pain, Friendship, Gen, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I promise, Near Death Experiences, Not intentional suicide, Pet comforting owner, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt, but more of an effect of so much loss of blood, dreamswap
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-06
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2019-06-06 00:57:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15183221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/4CrazyFriends/pseuds/4CrazyFriends, https://archiveofourown.org/users/4CrazyFriends/pseuds/Pawpricez
Summary: Sinking down onto the cold bathroom floor, I could feel myself disappear as all the emotions went away, trading them for physical hurt. It was amazing how easy it was to numb myself from the reality of both types of pain. I smiled to myself, my eyes starting to fizzle out.No one would know.[Nightmare POV]





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Originally a 55th chapter special nobody asked for in Spooky Scary Skeleton Fluff on Wattpad, I decided to make it seperate.
> 
> "Every day, a sadder face  
> New hiding place  
> Something to chase
> 
> A week has passed  
> My wounds won't heal  
> Remember when  
> The pain was real?"
> 
> "Even the smallest of scrapes have secret suicidal scars."
> 
> Best if read whilst listening to "Sentimentalities". Adds to the sadness.
> 
> TW: Self-harm.

I always disliked being myself. In fact, I was repulsed with the idea of myself. I did not know when it started, much less why or how. When I was naked, I prefered not to be. I always enjoyed feeling emptiness in my crop after I ate instead of gorging myself on much-needed food. Whenever I wanted to go to sleep, I wanted someone near me so that I could think of them rather then myself.

If I ever told any of them about this weakness, they'd chuck me in the bin faster then light.

So Error and Cross didn't know.

Dream sure as hell didn't.

They weren't supposed to know, at least.

.

.

.

Whenever I played on my violin, it always reminded me of the bittersweet memories that brought tears to my eyes. Now, even, I was fighting a battle with my emotions, but I gritted my teeth at the familiar feeling of wanting to cry. No, Nightmare, I told myself, crying makes you weak. Do. Not. Cry.

The thought of when me and Dream had been under the tree, humming a tune oh so familiar to what I was playing on the instrument now. The familiar feeling in my soul had gripped me with clawed hands, emotions tearing into my thoughts.

_"We're brothers and best friends forever", Nightmare smiled at Dream. He mirrored the expression, nodding in agreement with what Nightmare stated._

I heard footsteps coming from downstairs, and quickly I wiped away the tears that had streamed down my face. I took a deep breath and forced my thoughts away before continuing on with my violin. It was just in time; Cross came into my room with Kevin.

"Nightmare, control your bird. He literally flew on top of the TV a second ago."

"Were you playing video games with Error just now?"

"Yeah, why?" Cross placed Kevin on my bed.

"I'm sorry to say but even Kevin has opinions, and he says you suck", I laughed when Cross looked at me annoyed. Cross stuck out his tongue which I returned before he walked out of the room.

The idea of how close the three of us became after Dream abandoned all hope of us for never being outlaws made me smile at myself. We had known each other well over the years of being on the run. Even when we were dirty, broke, starving and in danger, we still had each other, ups and downs. Still, the sickness inside me never changed.

So I started doing something I am not proud of.

I started hurting myself.

It... it started as just superficial nicks on my arms and ribcage, but as time went on, it wasn't enough for me to feel better. To disappear and not be me for once. I didn't want to get fucked up, I just wanted the pain to go away. I couldn't take it like a grown monster. I wasn't proud of it.

I hurt myself so much.

But I'd never let anyone see.

Nobody would ever know.

Sinking down onto the cold bathroom floor, I could feel myself disappear as all the emotions went away, trading them for physical hurt. It was amazing how easy it was to numb myself from the reality of both types of pain. I smiled to myself, my eyes starting to fizzle out.

No one would know.

No one would see the sickness underneath my happiness. Nobody would know the wounds I create on myself. Nobody would know my fears, my worries, nothing. I would never ask theirs, I would never tell mine.

I closed my eyes, every negative feeling going away. I felt sleepy, I knew I shouldn't sleep while wounded just in case Error or Cross might come home to find me a bloody mess. But it seemed... too good of an option to resist.

I jerked up when I heard a door close. "Nightmare, we're home!" I heard Cross shout. I took a deep breath, frantically shaking my head to clear myself of sleep. I was shirtless, a knife covered in marrow off to the side of the room and my ribcage, arms and parts of my spine cut and bleeding. "Alright!" I shouted, panicking still as to what I should do. I was thankful to myself that I had brought some casual clothes with me just in case I had gotten blood on these ones... I frowned at the memory. It was a close call.

It was one of those times that they almost found out my weakness.

I can't remember why I did it, but who am I kidding? I don't even remember how this entire thing started. At that time, it was one of the worst bouts of emotions. I had to get relief. It was too much. The stinging pain was fresher feeling, less dull. I could feel myself falling on my bedroom floor...

Someone had shook me awake, I could hear muffled shouting... "Nightmare, Nightmare?!" I could barely recognize the voice... it sounded staticy, as if the person was glitching out and panicking. I heard another voice as well but didn't make out any of the words. I could feel numb, tingling pain slowly ebb away from me as I heard less and less of the voice.

Then... warmth. Energy. The pain came back, I could breathe again, my senses heightening. As I opened my eyes, I could see whom was using healing magic on me. There was glitches and errors floating around him, glasses on his face, a cape with a lot of strings... Error!

When I tried to explain immediately, however, he shushed me, focusing on his work. Cross came back into the room, unknowing to me that he had left, with a damp rag. While Error focused on open wounds, Cross cleaned up my violet marrow.

It was only when Error was finished did I realize the predicament I was in. I was about to feel my friend's wrath.

I could remember the scowl on his face as he was crouched in front of me, shaking my shoulders as if to make sure I was awake and not dead. "What the fuck, Nightmare? What did you do!?"

"Huh?"

"We find you coated in blood and wounded, damn near dying on us and all you have to say is 'Huh'?! Why did this happen, Nightmare? How?!"

"It was an accident", I replied, my voice hoarse and I felt a bad taste in my mouth, gritty and bitter, the texture like dust. Error frowned at me, his eyes turning to slits and I couldn't help but cower at the aggression he displayed. I could sense it. He was _pissed._

Cross noticed my demeanor, "Error, maybe it would be best if he recovered for a while. He can explain what happened afterwards, alright?"

Error looked at him, still angry but after closing his eyes and taking a few deep breaths, nodded. His anger had subsided somewhat and I silently thanked Cross. Later that day I told them a version of what happened... instead, of course, with it on accident that I was cut instead of telling them about my weakness.

They were still suspicious, but never brought it up again.

Now I had no idea what to do. Adrenaline rushed through me as I got up, the blood dripping out of me and falling to the floor. I swore lightly. I stripped off the rest of my clothes, feeling horribly exposed as I did so. Then it came to me.

The shower.

I pushed the curtains away and immediately turned on the water. At that point, I didn't care if it was Arctic Circle freezing or magma core hot, getting into the shower without a second thought. The water froze my very core, the cuts and stabs I made on myself stinging. The pain felt amazing, my emotions further going away as my marrow washed away and went down the drain.

They would never know.

Or so I thought.


	2. Chapter 2

Time had passed and when the wound just barely started to heal, Error, Cross and I planned to go to Dream's buisness and fuck stuff up. We procrastinated, yet again, at the time of arrival.

It gave me enough time to do it again.

I didn't do it as bad... I knew I needed energy. I just did a little bit of rib carving, the pain dull but I loved how the blood dripped. I sighed, wondering if I should wrap up my wounds to avoid getting blood on my clothes. Staring at the door, I rejected the idea as it required going outside the room and I knew I couldn't do that.

I sighed yet again and put on my shirt. Looking straight at my eyelights, noticing their color was different then the last time I truely looked at them and it made me wonder about what my existence even meant anymore. I wasn't feeling good but I couldn't continue what I wanted to pursue. Without further thoughts on the subject, I put away the knife in a special place, somewhere Cross nor Error looked and went outside the room.

Error was dealing with some of his strings before we left, and Cross was having a last-minute munch of chocolate. I didn't interact with them and decided to have a check and see how Kevin was doing.

The rooster was calming down for the night, just silently pecking around the ground and lightly clucking. He turned his head and tilted it to the side when I entered the coop.

"Hey there, Kevin", I walked up to the chicken. He blinked in confusion as to why I was here so late. I knelt onto one knee and started petting Kevin, laughing breathlessly when Kevin lightly pecked at my hand. The rooster walked up and rubbed his head against my chest.

 _Could animals..?_ I didn't dare finish that thought. It was just... accidental. It had no meaning. None whatsoever...

For the first time in a long time my tears came. I was desperate to be quiet, as to not alert the two in the house. Kevin allowed to be picked up and gently squeezed, my violet tears falling onto his plumage.

After a good cry, I put Kevin back onto the ground and wiped my eyes. "Well, I have to go. See you, Kevin..." I waved Kevin goodbye. The chicken desperately followed me to the gate. As I locked it for the night, Cross came outside the house.

"There you are!" Cross smiled, "We're ready to go."

I nodded, "Alright", and opened up a portal to JR.

.

.

.

I gasped for breath, my old wounds opening up and starting to bleed, combined by my new wounds. Error and Cross would've been ahead of me had they not lagged behind to help me. Guards were on our asses, Dream flying towards us as fast as he could. It was a race.

And Justice Reigns won.

Error was seized first by a guard, glitching out when he was touched and rendered vulnerable to capture. Cross, desperate to try and save both comrades, got seized as well trying to free the guard's grip on Error. I limped so weakly that a guard could've captured me, but Dream landed on me, causing me to end up hitting the floor. _Hard._

Already I was winded from hitting my chest against the floor, but my wounds opened up fully, bleeding out profusely. Dream unsheathed his sword and put it against my neck. "Try to escape and you'll be dust."

I tried to laugh, but slightly coughed up blood instead. "There won't be just one dust pile if you kill me", I bitterly remarked. Dream pushed his foot harder against my back, which caused me to gasp out in lots of pain I hadn't quite felt in a while.

"Nightmare!" Cross shouted, ineffectively fighting against the guard that held him away from me. I could sense a gush of affection - infatuation.

"Would you look at that", Dream spat, "Cross' in love with you. _Pathetic._ "

Rage came up deep within my soul, and I tried to shove Dream off, but that was fruitless and only resulted in pain (though, I didn't exactly hate it). Dream turned me to my side and looked at me _straight in the eye-_

Then alarm came from Dream, "Wh- what the heck?!" He shouted, jumping off me. I feebly tried to get up, but in doing so caused more blood to get on my shirt. I gave up, lying limp on the ground, my breath shallow and broken. Both Error and Cross broke out of the defences of the guards and ran up to me. Error unorthodoxily pulled up my shirt to reveal all the stabs and cuts on my ribs, sternum and spine that I had made on myself over time.

I felt... bad. Error had been suspicious for a while now, but I had never told him the truth about this. Cross only really thought about it when they nearly find out, and Dream likely was oblivious to the entire thing. I closed my eyes, everything turning dark-

"No!" Both Error and Cross shouted, immediately using healing magic. The feeling of both of their magic felt nice, calming.... relaxing, even. I could feel tingles of pleasure up and down my spine. I sighed softly, feeling both wicked and horrible inside for this happening but the healing magic brightened my mood. Even so, I still felt shattered.

"Don't die on us yet, asshole!" Cross started to cry, straining his magic by maxing his healing output. Unexpectedly, Dream joined in with healing me. I could feel it immediately in my entire being. It felt energetic. Happy. I could see why others thought they were in love with him with that sort of power, but I knew it wouldn't last.

And as I thought that, it was over. I was healed. Error squirmed away from all physical contact but Cross still had a hand on my ribcage, as if I were going to dust if he moved away from me. Dream just stared at me, mystified.

No words were exchanged. 

It was silent. The multiple guards looked around, wary and awaiting order. I could sense Dream's confusion, Error's anger and Cross' worry. I didn't know what to feel. I sat upright, feeling apathetic.

Error spoke first.

"Nightmare, how long has this been going on and why?"

I was shocked, my eyelights shrinking out of fear and anxiety. I had no idea what to tell him, what would be safe to tell him. What could I tell him?

I couldn't help it.

The tears came again.

Cross flinched when I made a sudden movement to wipe my tears away, not willing to show my weakness. I could feel it, the sickness inside me that I wanted to stay away from, that I wanted to disappear, was coming back again. Sadness overwhelmed me and I could not control myself. Even as I tried to hold them back, the tide could not be controlled and the dam broke.

Error tensed up and Cross didn't know what to do. Dream connected the dots immediately but was caught with indecision.

 _Why am I such a fuck-up? Why do I do this to myself? I'm such a fucking dick. I'll never change. I'll never be better. Now Error and Cross will surely betray me after this. I'm so fucking weak. I couldn't even fucking keep this from them!_ I cried harder, unable or perhaps unwanting to endure the pain and started clawing at my forearms, leaving as many scrapes as I could and desperately wishing I wasn't so numb of pain there.

I broke down in front of them.

I couldn't fucking keep it together.

Words were exchanged but I didn't know nor care who said what, all I knew is that I was panicking and wondering what would happen after this, after they found out my weakness. Would they abandon me? Dust me? Something worse? I didn't like the sound of anything like that.

For the second time that night I cried more tears then I could count, and probably even more had I not felt a very powerful aura. Dream's aura. More tears flowed still, but I felt a bit better after feeling my brother's aura. I slumped my shoulders, breathing in deep, exhausted.

"Nightmare?"

That voice I knew so well, but hadn't heard in a hundred years.

"Yes... b-brother?" I stuttered at the word brother to address him. It was rare for me to address him like that without being sarcastic. It... it felt nice, like the entire thing that was between us never happened.

"Are you okay?" Dream softly asked, crouching down onto one knee, still taller then me by a good few inches but it was much less intimidating.

I took a deep breath, lifted my head to look at him with shy eyes, averting them whenever I could but still trying to make eye contact. I shrugged, "I've been better", a hoarse voice.

Hollow.

Empty.

Emotionless.

No weight attached to the words I spoke as they vanished into thin air. There was no proof they were ever spoken out loud. It was the closest I'd ever get to admitting I wasn't fine. To admitting I was hurt. To give up on trying to laugh it all off and try to make others think I was better then I actually was. I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't pretend.

"Do you need anything?" Dream kindly asked, rubbing my arm in a gentle manor, using a small amount of healing magic to improve the marks I made during my crying bout.

I weakly chuckled. "A hug."

Dream put his arm over my shoulders and held me at the hips, drawing me in close and resting his chin on my head. I was surprised but gladly put both arms around his back, my head on his chest. A weak position for a guy like me, I know.

I felt fatigued as his calming powers were stronger in this embrace, and I probably would've fallen asleep hadn't Cross and Error also hugged me. I opened up an eye and turned my head, taking a look at the other two. Error was nervous, glitching out a bit from the touch but was keen on keeping the embrace, whilst Cross held me tight. I smiled softly, my breathing becoming deeper and slower as sleep caught up to me.

This helped me believe that I wasn't so terrible or so sick. The sickness inside me wasn't so bad after all. It just wasn't happy being bottled up and repressed. Things would get better now, I knew it.

I fell into the calmest, deepest sleep I could remember, unknowing of the smiles the three gave me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually had a lot of trouble deciding on a definite ending, but this one I like the best. Originally, Nightmare and therefore Dream were going to die, but I was thinking so hard my head hurt at all the possibilities.
> 
> I also feel like I should address something.
> 
> This entire story is based on how depression can worsen over time... Take, for instance, how the beginning had Nightmare crying, but as the writing went on he hurt himself. Also take note of how he felt dull pain, that alongside the flashback of the Close Call and during his breakdown meant he had done this for a while. Also realize he knows what he's doing is wrong as he hides it, afraid and shameful. And note too he wonders about his existence whilst staring at his reflection, at his dull eyes that were once full of expressed emotion.
> 
> A thing I would like to point out is that the special place that Nightmare hides his knife is intentionally left unknown as to remind the reader of a place they once hid things... whether you hid candies or something much more sad, it's meant as a reminder.
> 
> Addressing about Kevin, I personally know from experience animals can perceive things more then we sometimes can. Whether it's ley lines, direction, frequencies we can't hear or otherwise, there is always something. Which is why I have Kevin comforting Nightmare to the best of his ability. (A reason why Champion wasn't featured here was because he wasn't made when this was wrote.)


End file.
